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What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do

Demo at Pride, San Francisco

Are you attracted to kink but waiting to try it? Maybe you feel like you need more “skills” or more confidence. And, yes, both skills and confidence can be built over time, and you should invest in that. But know this — the mythical day when you feel perfectly confident may never come.

And it shouldn’t. Frankly, when a dominant has too strong of a persona of perfect confidence and control, I can’t help but feel a little suspicious.

Better to embrace it! There will most likely be moments when you feel like you don’t know what to do next. You will feel the bite of uncertainty and insecurity. That is part of being human and being awake to the subtleties of this kind of play.

If you know from the beginning that you are going to have those moments of… let’s call it “existential uncertainty”, or moments when you simply don’t know what to do next, you can plan for it! Let yourself off the hook of needing to have it all figured out and don’t let your uncertainty be a barrier.

Your plan for Dealing With Uncertainty When It Arises might incorporate some of these ideas. Try them on and see if they work for you. Take what you like and leave the rest.

1) Don’t be afraid to go slow and take a moment

When I have a moment of not knowing what to do next, I let myself feel the sweetness and poignancy of a lull in the action. The energy can’t go up, up, up forever. There needs to be periods of falling energy, relaxing and savoring, getting the mind and body ready for the next peak. It’s in those moments that my monkey mind tends to worry — am I boring him now? But in reality, it is exactly those moments where clients report feeling the most connection. I put my hand on my guy’s chest, lock eyes with him and breathe. I start to feel what he is feeling. And then inspiration comes. 

2) Get in touch with your archetype

After slowing down and taking that moment to breathe, you can ask yourself: what would my archetype do here? Feel yourself in that role. If you have brought any toys or clothing that particularly speaks to that archetype for you, then pick up that toy. How would your archetype use it? Is there something that your archetype would say at this moment, maybe a way that they would tease? (Are you unsure of your play archetypes? Have a conversation with me about it!)

3) Have some plans

I don’t recommend planning a scene down to the letter; you want to be able to go where the energy takes you. BUT you will feel more confident when you have some clearly defined ideas. Maybe you have already shared some of those ideas with your partner in your negotiation conversation. 

Take out the toys or equipment you want to use and have them ready to go. And then make a contingency plan. If that particular toy is not doing it for you or your partner, which toy might you turn to next? Have that ready to go as well. I like to set up things in different areas of the room or house so that we need to move around over the course of play. If you feel stuck or complete in one area, literally move yourselves over to a new area. Your scene will benefit from the feel of movement and story arc.

The existence of a Plan B, or even C, takes the pressure to perform off of Plan A, and increases your sense of flexibility. There is no need to doggedly stick to something that isn’t feeling right.

4) Acknowledge your uncertainty

In the fantasy realm, dominants are perfectly knowledgeable, confident, and action-driven from the beginning to end of the scene. Honestly, this image may be part of your partner’s fantasy. So… how can you hold that image while still acknowledging your reality? I have clients practice checking in and sharing their experience with a partner in a way that inspires confidence and cooperation. If you’ve had a negotiation conversation, you might decide together how to move through those moments of stuckness when they arise. 

5) Up your engagement

Are you turned-on? Do you truly like what you’re doing, or are you partner-pleasing? Often those moments of uncertainty or insecurity happen when we are not in touch with our enjoyment for the scene.

That could be because you’re too in your head to feel what you’re doing, or you’re orchestrating an activity that simply isn’t that hot for you. This is a good time to think back to your own core erotic themes and fantasies. Choose activities that excite you.

In your own fantasies are there any important details of the setting, clothing, music…? Plan to bring in some of those details, especially ones that engage your senses.

6) Move towards the emotion you desire

Ask yourself: what is the feeling you want to feel right now? Do you want to feel powerful, connected, free? Engage those emotions and move towards activities that support you in having them. Be open to the fact that your fantasies may have an emotional flavor that you might not judge as traditionally “positive”. Anxiety, anger, and struggle are aphrodisiacs for many people.

7) Rev your engines!

As a back-up plan, in moments of stuckness you can briefly return to tried and true activities, and then move out of your comfort zone when your erotic energy is high and flowing.  

Variety is the spice of life, and you will want to have experiences outside of your usual sexual routines. As you leave your comfort zone behind, it’s perfectly normal to have difficulty connecting to the enjoyment and inspiration of the moment. Try on some of these ideas and you will see how they help.

What works for you? Please share your ideas with me at


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