Here are some notes from a talk I presented at the SF Citadel on May 5, 2018:
You may negotiate a scene down to the letter — you did all of the activities that you thought you wanted — but it feels hollow, or like it missed the mark. And you’re left wondering: what happened there?
What you wanted is a feeling.
Negotiating for the acts you want to experience is important, but finding the right emotional tone — the flavor of the scene — can make or break it. When you get the flavor right, then what you do — the activities — become less important than the energy between you.
Do some inward work. I’m going to lead you through a visualization.
..... (Here I did an exercise that I often do with clients. It helps them identify some of the most arousing aspects of their core fantasies, and gets to the emotional content underlying their desires.) ....
If you are planning to play in the surrendered position, take a look at this sheet from Tornus as well. http://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/not-checklist-negotiation-checklist-bdsm-bottoms/
Remember: You may not judge some of this emotional content as positive. Maybe in your fantasy you felt afraid, embarrassed, surprised, worried, guilty, angry, etc. It can still be arousing. Maybe some of the emotions you’ve thought of are in open conflict with each other. Ambivalence and conflict are aphrodisiacs for many people!
Have a little moment of gratitude for your fantasy. The erotic mind reveals its secrets only to accepting observers. Everything that you imagined is beautiful, normal, and totally ok. Even if its illegal. Even if some people might disapprove. Always go into negotiation with a stance of celebrating your desire, and your potential partner’s desire. Say things like: I can see how that would be hot for you. Fantasy is only fantasy, and no one is served by shaming.
Keep those emotion words in your mind. They may not represent the only thing you ever want to feel, but it’s important to go into a negotiation with a good idea of the emotional experience you want.
Questions like: what in my history makes me want this? or what does this mean about me? are great questions to explore in session with me, but not in a negotiation, unless that’s a turn-on for everyone involved. Resist the urge to Psych 101 your partner.
Great Questions to Ask in Negotiation
Clarification Questions
As you go through the questions that are appropriate for you & your scene, and listen to the answers, continually ask for clarification. What does that look like for you? — What do you mean by that? — How will you know when you have that?
Play Experience
Tell me about your experience with kink play. And then — negotiate a scene that is appropriate to their level. For people who are just getting to know each other, sensation play with a lot of eye contact and connection is a great way to start.
In a first scene with a new partner, only do the things that you have specifically discussed. Agree on a system that will ensure ongoing consent, or agree to how you will check in with each other as the scene progresses.
For someone who has already done some introspection, ask: What do you want to feel during the scene? What do you want to feel at the end? If they are unsure, listen to them describe a fantasy for the evening, and pay close attention.
Tone
How do you like to be talked to? Pay attention to the tone: light, playful, strict, sexy, spiritual. Anything you like to be called? What is the fantasy relationship between us in scene?
Activities
What would help you feel that [emotion they want]?
What kind of activities are you interested in exploring?
Are there any elements that are particularly important? (Here, think back to the fantasy – was there a detail of the setting, clothing, music that felt especially arousing to you?)
Is there something you have not played with before but would like to try with me?
I would really like to do (this thing that you have no experience with). Let me tell you about it and how it makes me feel. Caveat here: be careful and conscious when you are “seducing” a play partner into unexplored territory.
When your partner says that they don't know what they want to do, be encouraging. That's fine. Negotiate a simple scene, a strong system for checking in, and progress slowly.
The play that I’ve listed below has lots of different flavors, so spend some time discussing in detail. These are good questions to ask, but this is not a comprehensive list!
There are lots of negotiation checklists to be found on the internet. I don’t typically use them, because I don’t find them sexy; but they can be helpful to make sure you’ve covered all of your bases, especially if you are negotiating with someone online, or if you are turned-on by paperwork.
D/s
What is the fantasy role between us? What is your motivation? To please? How do you want to be rewarded/incentivized? Can you win, or are you doomed to fail? Do you enjoy resistance?
Humiliation
What do you like to be called? How do you like to be teased? What embarrasses you? Is it fair, or not fair? True, or untrue? How intense? Do you enjoy being objectified in this way,… (describe)?
Bondage
There are so many flavors of bondage from objectification to mummification, so this requires a lot of discussion of the details. But I think the most important question is: what is the fantasy purpose of the bondage? (Are you being turned into a work of art? A helpless object? A prisoner?)
Does it need to be constricting/immobilizing?
And then talk about the details of place, position and type.
Pain
Do you want pain? As punishment? Sensation journey? Is it erotic in itself? What are your favorite implements? Can you have marks? Where, and for how long? Do you like it rhythmic and predictable/manageable, or do you want to be taken by surprise? How will I know when you’ve had enough?
Eros Negotiate this part very specifically! Some people do not want to mix erotic energy with their pain processing, and some do. Some will not want sexual energy at all. Talk about all types of touching and/or penetration before you do it.
The Container and Troubleshooting
Agree on the safewords that you will use, and agree to a safeword system if your partner is gagged. If using Yellow and Red, clarify that you both agree on the difference between the two.
Some people have a really hard time using their safewords for a variety of reasons, sometimes simply because they haven't practiced using them and it does not occur to them in the heat of the moment. Some people have a hard time speaking at all in moments of high intensity or when triggered. Ask: have you used your safe words before? Under what circumstances?
Set the time and place, the length of the scene, and the specifics of how it will begin and end. Ritualistic gestures are really good for making clear beginnings and endings.
What are your concerns? Anything that you are nervous about?
If you're not getting what you want from the scene, how will I know it? Is there anything that if it didn't happen, you would be extremely disappointed?
Is there anything that you already know is triggering for you? How would you like me to handle it if you are triggered, or if you are not responding?
If I feel for whatever reason that you should be safe wording and you're not, I'm going to stop and check in with you.
Anything I need to know about your body or your health? Are there places you do not like to be touched? Are there any relevant hard limits that you would like to mention?
Aftercare
What kind of aftercare do you want? Discuss all of the specifics! Where, for how long, with whom, what are we doing, how will I know when you are grounded and all good?
Last question
End your negotiation with this question; or, if it has been some time between negotiation and play, begin with this: Is there anything else I need to know about you and what you want?
Boundaries shift as people play, warm up their bodies, get turned-on, and get to know you. So limits may change. However, do not renegotiate play in the middle of play. If there is something that arises that you want to do and haven't discussed, save it for next time.